Monday, 31 October 2011

At 4am on Tuesday morning the whole of Australia will come to a stand-still.
No, its’ not the annual Sheep Loving competition or the slaughtering of innocent Aboriginal children that gets them excited ‘Down Under’ anymore, its ‘The Race That Stops A Nation’, The Melbourne Cup. 
Since its inception in 1861 Aussies have abandoned their usual pastimes of impregnating their cousins and sisters (and an eclectic variety of farmyard animals) in favour of more traditional and humane recreation methods, whipping horses till they run fast being chief among them, which I guess is much more preferable for the horses than being jerked off by a hairy, toothless, 61 year old former convict, with B.O and a crooked limp called Greg.
As many of you may realise by reading this I have little love for our Antipodean cousins or any other nation for that matter, as a typical Englishman I detest anyone who cannot drink their own weight in strong foreign lager and puke it up whilst shagging a 19 yr old single mom - with 5/6 children all colours of the rainbow - behind a wheelie bin at the back of Morrisons. We English are touted all over Europe as a nation of drinkers. I beg to differ, the above example proves beyond a shadow of a doubt we are much more than that; we are a nation of multi-taskers!

Something else of note this past week is the fact that Sir Jimmy Saville died. Sir Jimmy sucked on his last 6yr old Cuban on 29th October, just two days before his 85th Birthday. Some will say that Jimmy had a good innings, others - correctly - will state that Jimmy despite being a Yorkshire man was rubbish at cricket and they’d be right. The enigmatic Saville will probably be best remembered for his Jim’ll Fix It programme, especially by me as I’m still waiting for him to ‘Fix It’ for me that my ex missus’ plane hits lethal turbulence and drops out of the sky and into the ground like a dart. Guess he wasn’t that good at fixing stuff after all, something his untimely death proves.
I’ll end this week’s column with a few thoughts on the racism row between Chelsea’s John Terry and Q.P.R’s Anton Ferdinand. Anton is the younger, uglier and less rich brother of Man Utd’s Sideshow Bob (aka Rio Ferdinand). JT stands accused of calling Anton a B***K B**TARD, something which Terry denies. JT claims he called Anton a Blind Bastard and if he could prove this to be true then he’d have no hesitation in fucking the arse off Anton’s missus. All joking aside racism has no place in professional football - much like the younger Ferdinand brother – and should be kicked out immediately, although I’m not sure violence is a good way of solving the problem.


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